Growing up I had a no yearning for children of my own, little interest or understanding of what it meant to have a committed partner through life, and that was because I never appreciate the blessings they are. It wasn't until I was in perhaps just about to beat teenager that I appreciated even the gift of being a grandfather as it was shown and lived by my grandfather's so inspiring. Even then I could not grasp anything less than being a great grandfather as I only knew one, though, he died when I was 3 yrs old, his life and love I knew as if he was still with me.
As I grew up I found interest in having someone to share life and love and family with without fear or doubt, yet not being very social I didn't converse with girls until I was in my early twenties. At the time I begin my first relationship I leaned on my most sincere and honest example of a prosperous, sincere, and lasting commitment, my parents. Influenced as stone inscription on my heart I tried to fulfill my father's character and position in my relationship, unfortunately, being so lacking in social influences I was innocent to the world beyond the safety I had known. And I was about to be given a gift of opening eyes to a world of devastation and pain from being surrounded and experiencing firsthand. Even though my world got bigger, darker, and scarier, my values, my desires, and my character remained, growing ever stronger.
By the time I was in my thirties I had more relationships than I ever thought I would allow myself, but I was trying to be open to the opportunities and blessings that I thought we placed before me, yet always giving my l up so much of myself that they never lasted. Here in my mid thirties I have my every effort to stay out of a relationship, not that I do not desire, yearn, even crave to know the depth of trust, commitment, and love a true relationship holds, I am afraid of what else it may bring.
When I was in my late twenties I began to rethink ever having kids, because I didn't see a reason to have children if I couldn't be a great grandfather as well. While other situations, and life changes have also deterred my longing in the years since, the greatest and deepest fear of them all is not knowing if I could handle ever losing any of them, wife and kids. In the world today it is becoming more likely than ever for incomprehensible reasons and ever hearing about a child lost, a family torn apart, or a man left to retain his position as a protector, provider, and example against all that the world innovates is astounding. It brings weakness to my bones, fear and rage to my mine, and tears to my soul for I do not know if I could live a life at knowing one with them.
In the same sense, I am not the man I know I want to be in a relationship, I have many weakness and they are rooted in fear and loneliness, a loneliness that unique love can be placed. So, I am working, I am longing, and I am craving not only the blessings of a committed love and prosperity, yet also to become the man that I need to be to overcome my weaknesses and withstand the fears this world is growing upon.
*This is my blessing, and my curse*
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