It's been almost two years, two years since I started losing. In these years I lost work numerous times, lost places to live multiple times, lost opportunities to enjoy life many times, and I lost the ability to call myself a friend, as I could not call anyone else my friend, though I desperately wish I could.
In these two years I would have many chances to call on these great individuals, but never the strength to rebuild and retain a friendship. In my life I have only have 5 guys that considered my closest friends, literally like brothers, but in these two years, they like so many others are non-existent. Not a call, not a response, not a care, not a chance. It is in these two years others would ask about my friends, I would tell them of so many great and wonderful people, amazing and gifted, smart and caring, people I truly miss and loved the opportunity to know everything I could about them, but with little more detail I also try to brush off the fact they are no longer friends, not because they are not great and I do not want to have them as friends, but because I cannot say I am someone they call their friend anymore.
It is in these conclusions to such grand and joyful tales, I try to convince others what I have been trying to convince myself, that there's always more friends to make, and I can make them anywhere easily. The problem is, while this may be true, I can't and don't know how to let go of such substantial influence in my life. For good or bad, throughout great and horrible situations, I had the longing and confidence of knowing I had people, rather I knew people that wanted me to be here.
Now, I feel no better than a ghost in the lives I was given the chance to return and enjoy beyond the grave, only to be worse than dead. I am alive, only to feel the pain of being non-existent to all of those I longed for throughout my life.
I don't know which is the right way or easier even, to try to reconnect and rebuild, to give up on moving on, or to move on, let go, and suppress these memories, these lives that are in my soul? Neither one is easy, and neither one will go away quickly, still what's more I can't discern which is right ....
So, I lay without trying to reconnect, nor make new connections, staying in solitude, yet desiring the opportunity to be freed with a new life. I have been in agony for several years; physically, mentally, and emotionally, for I have lost much of what had been dear to me.
Why should I have been saved from death only to find death in living again?
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