Their World vs Their Child - Raising Parents

It's been hard to find a way to share this, since many will believe I don't have knowledge of such things. Still it has become far too common among our expectations not to address.

Having many friends, and in learning about people in general, it is very common that a single parent or one that is separated from the other parent that they find it required to put their children as their only priority, or "their world", yet they desire to raise them with someone in a healthy and prosperous relationship. You cannot raise a child as the sole priority as a good parent.

As much as I care about children and love seeing them be happy and grow, such things do not come from being the center of someone's world. As a parent in a committed and healthy relationship your children cannot be your primary focus your spouse should come before them even your own well being should be considered before theirs. This is not to say that children should not matter to a parent, and to be clear these are all very close and interwoven priorities in the lives of parents, but in reality, of all the lives between a both parents and the child, the child needs to be the least of the 3.


To better clarify, consider these points;

As a couple, before having any children, you want to enjoy being together, respecting one another, sharing in experiences, growth, support, and achievements, this should never change no matter what life brings, including having children. Should the parents go on their own after bearing children, these desires are still necessary and justified because it is no longer simply for the parents to enjoy it's a essential for the children to learn how to share a life with another and to do well caring for themselves before others. As the parent, the expectations, the understandings, and the way children see a relationship is mostly being formed by you, whether good or bad. So if the parents do not show them what a meaningful relationship is like the children will struggle to understand what it takes to enjoy life themselves as well as with another.

Regarding taking care of yourself first, I've known many parents that will get things for "their world" before making sure they have food or are cared for. Children do not require many things, and far more what they need is a parent that is functioning, trying, and present. By allowing parents to think that giving their world things to compensate for the absence of a parent present or the parents well being does not add anything to the joy within a child, it does not live in them as they grow and live as individuals. Yet the times a parent shares in the child's struggles and achievements, being present and able will last for a lifetime. When I see a parent thinking that their own well being is worth forgoing so that their world can have "things" that are unnecessary, when they are already struggling to provide food and/or time with them it hurts, not just the parent but the child they are trying to care for. The reality is children recall more of the parents lessons, the time, the hurt they see, and promises made than any will recount the toys, bikes, ice cream, video games, or money given to them, especially as they barely knew their parents were barely surviving mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Also, as parents raise their kids they cannot do so with the child as the focus, parenting is a joint effort and the most essential relationship of partnership they will know in their growing years. If the parents can cannot raise their children together the partnership is void and it will not prosper or last. The commitment vowed by a couple cannot last with a child in the middle holding the relationship together, or with the focus of each parent primarily on the child, because they will raise one child two different ways causing confusion, stress, and strain on everyone. This is because the child doesn't know any different, nor should they bare the weight of responsibility as an adult which is what a couple provides for each other, with experience to understand, support in their judgments, perspective in decisions, and accountability in their lessons.

A child is not a judge, jury, or partner to a parent they are the reward that parents prepare and give to the world and watch as they grow, achieve, and struggle. Children are the most painful, yet joyous, experience of love and selflessness that we have on earth, but they need parents to teach them how to respect and care for themselves, guide them as a piece of something greater that is far more rewarding in life than any thing they can acquire or achieve on their own. Still, they are happier when they are not counted on as the “world” of their parent(s), rather the child of a father and mother that have decided to raise them as one, committed to each other in order to see their child overcome, experience, and share with a world the child does not know, but have every right to enjoy as a young growing child.

~Growing up, I recall an instance where my father told me he didn't believe me over my mother, his partner. He told me, when he married her he choose to be with her, trust her, and support her above anyone else. As a young impressionable child, I thought that meant he didn't love me at all and it hurt, probably the worse thing he could ever say or any parent could say to their child. 

What I didn't realize at that time was he was absolutely right and stronger than most for being able to realize that and live it as an example. I was young boy and I didn't understand relationships, much less what it took to be married or even be a parent. It wasn't until I was an experienced adult that my parents ever admitted, they really had no clue what they were doing, but they did their best, and they did it together. I didn't need to know as child, without understanding and respecting how hard it is I would've lost respect for them and their authority would constantly be questioned. 

Looking back it is because they did their best and did so as partners they overcame the hard times, they enjoyed achievements, and they lived a life as parents of their children, not for their children. I am now one of a rare group of individuals that grew up with two parents that didn't separate, and are still both present and guiding their children and grandchildren, but its because their children were not their world or their priority, we were their children and they cared enough to show us how much more meaningful and special we were to be children~